|
There is no greater
emotional pain that can be inflicted upon a man or a woman than the
announcement by their spouse that they want a divorce. Even if both
parties have "seen it coming" for some time, and the announcement really
comes as no big surprise, the actual announcement is quite similar to a
bomb exploding in your face.
Such an announcement is "out-in-the-open" admission that the person you
held hands with so many years ago, and promised to love - honor - and obey
- to be supportive of, to stand beside in good times and bad - through
sickness and health - for richer or poorer - no longer wants you or your
love. You have been rejected, and such a blow to your emotional
equilibrium is just about the most damaging illness you'll ever have to
face in your lifetime.
Be that as it may, it is of the utmost importance that when such a pain
descends upon you, you realize that you can recover - that you will
recover - and that this is in reality, an opportunity for you to attain
real and total happiness according to your own standards.
It will be hard, in fact, it will probably be just about the most
difficult thing you've ever done in your life, but you must immediately
and absolutely turn the page on that chapter of your life. You must
quickly and absolutely sever all ties with that person - the one that has
inflicted this pain upon you.
Get them out of your house. Get rid of all things that remind you of them.
Change your phone number. If necessary, move into a new home or apartment.
You must put an immediate end to your marriage. Once a person has
announced to you that they no longer wants you, you have to start thinking
about your own survival.
It's going to be similar to losing a vital part of your body, but you must
let go, and the sooner you do let go - completely end that chapter of your
life - the sooner you'll be able to set about rebuilding your life and
ultimately finding the happiness you want.
Between the time that your spouse announces the end of the marriage, and
the time when you'll find new happiness, you're going to hurt like you've
never dreamed possible. You're going to go through a number of mental and
emotional phases - all of which are perfectly normal and necessary in
order for you to "heal yourself" of this great hurt. You'll never be able
to enjoy love or attain true happiness until you have discharged the past
from your system, and healed yourself.
Think of all you're going through as a wound similar to a gash on your arm
or leg. It's going to hurt, and you're going to bleed, but with the proper
care and time, you will recover. You must understand that divorce is quite
common - you're not alone nor going through anything that a lot of other
people haven't experienced - and that in order to "get well," you must
understand the nature of the wound, what to do in order to heal it, and as
much about the pre-requisites to total recovery as possible.
At first, you'll probably deny that this is happening to you. You may
pretend that it's just a bad dream or some sort of bad joke they're
pulling on you. This type of thinking is normal, but it only prolongs the
agony of your hurt. You must face the reality of the situation - accept
the fact that your marriage is over - and get on with the task of finding
happiness for yourself, immediately.
You'll probably lay
awake in bed at night and review "every minute" of your marriage -
thinking that in this or that circumstance, you could've been a better
wife or husband, and from there beg for another chance. You'll want to
accept full responsibility - at least a big share of the guilt - for the
problems that caused the break-up of your marriage. These thoughts are
only natural, but they cannot put your marriage back together, and any
attempts to "try one more time," at this stage will only cause you greater
pain. You must accept the fact that your marriage is over, and busy your
mind and yourself, with activities that don't allow you time to "rehash"
the events of the past. Don't allow yourself to dwell upon guilt feelings.
It takes two people to make a marriage, and marriages come apart because
of the differences in the two people involved. No one is perfect, and
happiness in life is a matter of learning from our mistakes. Accept your
own short-comings; vow that you will profit from what you've experienced;
and then get on with your life. You'll never be comfortable with yourself,
nor find real happiness so long as you're dragging "guilt feelings" from
your past around with you.
Somewhere along the way, you'll become so angry with your ex- the world -
and even God, that you'll be beyond yourself in your ability to express it
all. It will be necessary that you express this anger - to get it all out
of your system - before you'll be able to "feel good" around the opposite
again.
Anger is the process of projecting onto another person, your own sense of
hurt and frustration. It's such a volatile and all-consuming emotion that
unless you give it an outlet, it will literally eat you alive. The thing
to do is to understand your anger, and manage it in a manner that will
benefit you - in such a way that your expression of it is constructive to
your regaining your emotional health.
A few things you might think about doing: Write out the complete story of
your marriage; how you met, your dreams and hopes, the good and the bad,
the sacrifices each of you made, and how - beyond either of your
capabilities to control - the marriage just came to an end... Write out in
precise detail exactly what is making you angry, and why. Make an
appointment with your priest or minister; or find a friend who'll listen
as you explain the frustration, hurt and futility you feel.
Regardless of how you do it, it is an absolute necessity that you let it
all out. This anger and bitterness you feel is like a poison that you must
cleanse from your soul. The sooner you get rid of it, the sooner you'll be
able to get on with your life - regain your mental health and position
yourself for happiness.
Finally, there'll come a day when you'll no longer be bothered by thoughts
of your ex. It won't even bother you when you see them with another
person, and that'll be the day when you've finally accepted the fact that
your marriage to them is over. You will have truly let go of them, and
will be ready for a new try at happiness.
Your progress from being rejected by your spouse to acceptance of the fact
that you don't want them if they didn’t want you, and positioning yourself
for a second chance, won't come easily. In fact, it will take you about
two and a half to three years. You must understand the damage you've
sustained, the healing that's required, and the time it's going to take to
get well. Too often, a man or women still in the recovery stages of a
divorce, jump into a new marriage before they're ready. And when the "bomb
explodes" the second time, the trauma is more painful and the recovery
even harder than the first time.
It's imperative that you "cut yourself off" from your ex as quickly as
possible. It's just as imperative that you immediately set about analyzing
what it is you want out of life, what you need to do in order to get what
it is you want, and then take the necessary steps towards achieving
whatever it is you want.
First, you have to KNOW what it is you want. Then, you have to know what
you HAVE TO DO in order to get what it is you want. And finally, you have
to START MOVING in the necessary direction to end up with what you want.
In other words, if you don't know what you want, nor how to get it, you'll
be without purpose or direction in life.
This is "goal-setting," and unless you set goals for yourself, you'll just
be allowing yourself to be pushed through life by whatever happens next.
Use this "terrible time in your life" as a time for introspection and a
new start. Think about yourself, and start taking the "baby-steps"
necessary to making you proud of yourself. Stop mourning the loss of your
marriage; pick yourself up, and determine within yourself that you're on
your way to bigger and better things - total happiness and love!
Rebuilding your self-esteem - your ego and how good you feel about
yourself - is one of the first steps you must take. There are many ways to
move in this direction...
You might get a new hair-do; rearrange the furniture the way you want it;
take a trip to someplace you always wanted to visit; go to see a special
movie or any number of other things. The important thing is that you do
something that makes you feel good.
From there, comes the introspection of where you are, and what you're
going to have to do in order to survive. Plan it all out on paper, and
then do what you have to do in order to make it come out as you've
planned.
Most important - don't be afraid of making mistakes or of 'falling down"
once or twice along the way. It's just as if you were seventeen years old
again, and just beginning a life of your own. It's like when a baby learns
to walk - he's going to stumble or fall a couple of times, but by
continuing to try, he eventually not only walks but finds he can run as
well. So it is in rebuilding your life after a divorce.
It'll be hard, but the sooner you start dating, the easier it'll be for
you to regain your emotional well being. At first, even though you have to
force yourself, you should just go out and associate with other people.
See for yourself that other people don't "immediately recognize you" as a
divorced woman or man - a loser, or a failure.
In the course of recovering from a painful divorce, it's not unusual for a
person to go through a number of brief sexual affairs. With some, there's
a flurry of sexual activity - followed by periods of celibacy - and maybe
a "special steady" for a while. This kind of activity is really sometimes
necessary, and definitely a part of the healing process as some people
rebuild their self-esteem.
Almost all people who
have gone through a divorce, go through at least one transitional partner
during their healing process. This is a person that seems to be the answer
to all your dreams - they're the "special boyfriends or girlfriends" that
ease a divorced person through the trauma - they're good to them; they
listen to them; they're sensitive to their needs but never demanding; and
they fulfill their sexual hunger. It 's great to "find and use" such a
transitional partner, but be aware of your own situation and their
usefulness to you, and don't allow yourself to end up marrying them. You
may care about them a great deal, and feel sure that they're the answer to
all your dreams - that they have all the love you could ever ask for - but
don't marry them - what you're feeling is only the peace of an oasis in
the middle of a desert. And don't feel badly when eventually you break off
such a relationship. Some people are born to nurture others back to good
health, and seeing you on your feet again, and on your way to real
happiness is the only reward these people really want. Then too, who's to
say that you won't someday be a transitional partner for someone who's
hurting just as you once did...
Finally, there's the problems of boredom and loneliness. In order to
eliminate boredom and loneliness from your life, you must first understand
that both of these problems are self-induced. That is, if you are bored or
lonely, it's because you are allowing yourself to be...
Boredom is generally a form of emotional anesthesia brought about by the
person who is bored, because they doesn't want to experience their own
feelings. It 's also a form of mental laziness which keeps people from
changing and growing.
The bottom line is simply that people are accountable for their own
boredom, and if you feel bored, then you had better remember that boredom
breeds even more boredom.
Whenever you think of yourself as being bored, get involved in something.
Don't allow yourself to sit and do nothing. Write letters to relatives or
friends. Bake a pie and visit a neighbor. Get out and spruce up your yard
or take a bus ride and see what changes have taken place in and around the
area in which you live. Join up with a singles social club and attend some
of their functions; enroll in a self- improvement course or two; visit a
trade show and find out about some of the new products being offered for
sale.
To alleviate boredom, you have to do something that might stimulate your
interest. Thus, if you don't want to do anything other that what you've
been doing - if you're waiting for a bolt of lightning to spark your
interest n something - you'll continue to be bored.
Loneliness is basically a different form of boredom. A person feels lonely
when they "can't think of anything they want to do," and thus, they begin
feel sorry for themselves "because no one cares about them."
In order not to be lonely, you have to start thinking of things you might
enjoy doing with other people, and then invite other people to join you in
doing those kinds of things. Really, it's just as simple as that - take a
trip to one of your shopping malls with a friend and do some window
shopping; meet a friend for golf, lunch or dinner at a new restaurant; or
invite a friend to join you to see a movie, a play, or even a concert.
So long as you shut yourself away from other people, and do not get out
into the world amongst people, you will be lonely. To be happy, enjoy
life, and know love, you have to make yourself available to other people.
To recover from the trauma of divorce, you have to understand the injury -
apply the proper medicine - allow enough time for the healing process to
be completed - and all the while, be positive that tomorrow will be a
happier day for you. It's a kind of recovery therapy that only you can
apply and control - the results are up to you.
|
