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Losing your spouse can
leave you feeling confused and panicky.
Memories...a
wonderful place to visit as you absorb the shock of the death of your
loved one. The years you have shared, the family you have made, and the
plans you have dreamed. However, memories are a part of your past and the
events you are having to deal with, alone, are in your present. The
thought of the future seems unbearable.
Reactions to Death
If your husband
or wife has died, you will probably experience some of the common symptoms
of grief. You will very likely go into shock, maybe finding yourself
denying, at first, that your spouse has died. You will ask yourself
questions. "How can they be gone, their scent still lingers? There must be
some mistake." Later, you may feel numb, like a spectator watching events
unfold. This is nature's way of protecting you from what is happening
while your life is in transition.
You may also
find yourself filled with anger. You may feel angry at the doctors or
nurses who couldn't save your spouse, at the funeral director who came to
your aid at the worst time in your life, or maybe even with God. You may
feel angry at your spouse for leaving you, and then feel guilty for this
anger.
In fact, you
could find yourself feeling guilty for a number of reasons. It is common,
in transition, to feel guilty simply for being alive when someone else has
died. You may believe you somehow could have prevented the death, or
should have been present to say good-bye. Also, because relationships are
never perfect, you were bound to have had some disagreements with your
spouse. Now you may feel guilty for those arguments, or believe you should
have been a better husband or wife.
Many people are
surprised and frightened by the intensity of these reactions. "What's
going to happen to me now? How do I go on? Why, why, why me?" Your mind
races. You cannot think clearly. Your muscles are tense and your body
aches. You may feel totally alone and completely helpless.
The mental
strain of grief can take a physical toll as well. It is not unusual for
the bereaved to have nausea, dizziness, rashes, weight loss, or difficulty
sleeping. They may become irritable or listless, feel fatigued, or short
of breath. Grief has even been known to cause hair loss.
As the Shock Wears Off
The acceptance
of your spouse's death slowly becomes a reality. You may think "My life
will never be the same again. I cannot change what has happened to me. Oh
God, what am I going to do now." What you begin to do depends partly on
your age and your individual Situation. Younger couples increasingly
depend on two paychecks to maintain the household. The death of one spouse
can leave the survivor in a tight financial situation. They are also
likely to have children at home and to have depended on each other to
share the child rearing duties.
Losing your
spouse, your companion, can leave you feeling confused and panicky at any
age. For this reason, you should delay making any major decisions. Try to
postpone them until you can think more clearly and have a better idea of
how your life is going to change.
You have grown
accustomed to living a certain life-style and engaging in favorite
activities with your spouse. You are used to being the object of your
spouse's love. For example, a woman who becomes a widow didn't just lose
her husband. She lost her best friend, her confidant, her knight in
shining armor.
The death of
your spouse can also change the relationship you had with mutual friends.
If you were used to socializing with friends as a couple, those same
friends may have a difficult time interacting with you as an individual.
You may begin to feel like the "fifth Wheel". Your life-style may steer
you in the direction of a new circle of friends.
Coping
How can you
overcome the problems you face after your spouse has died? First, you must
recognize that grief is necessary; it is something you must work through.
There are no shortcuts.
It is important
to ventilate your feelings. Take time to cry. Don't be afraid to share
your tears with others. Express your anger when you feel the need. Talk
openly with family members and friends; this is a time to lean on them.
Some of your friends may feel awkward for awhile because they don't know
how to talk to you about your loss. You can help them by simply telling
them what your needs are. Don't try to protect your children or other
family members by hiding your sadness.
If you normally
have a pressing schedule, try to lighten it. Remember, grief is mentally
taxing; you do not need the added strain of too much to do. Set aside some
quiet time just for yourself, time when you can think about your spouse's
death and put things in perspective.
If you are
worried that you are not coping well with your grief, consider talking to
a counselor. You may be relieved to discover that you are reacting
normally. If you believe you need help, ask your clergy, doctor, or
funeral director to suggest a counselor who will help you through your
transition.
Many bereaved
spouses find that adjusting to life without a partner becomes easier if
they talk to others in the same situation. You might want to consider
joining a local support group. Your funeral director may have information
regarding local groups for the widowed.
After time and
much effort, you will adjust to your new life and your grief will
diminish. This does not mean you must forget your loved one; it means you
have accepted the death and can begin to live each day in the present,
savoring the memories as part of your new life.
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